last saturday, I received a friend request from my ex (Jl) after 5 months na pag iwas sa akin, actually naka-block ako sa kanya and out of nowhere ayan biglang may friend request pero syempre gamit niya ung second account niya na lagi namin pinag aawayan noon. And he even left a message calling me with the call of endearment na ”Bebe Ko” and with sad faces and iyak emoticon. Still I refuse to reply, refuse to fall from his trap again. How come this man came back after leaving me in one of the deepest downfall of my life. roughly 5 months, by the month of July my Birth month, days after my birthday, I got nothing but heartbreak and sama ng loob sa taong akala kong sasamahan ako sa isang madilim na bahagi ng buhay ko, pero imbis na pigilan niya akong sumuko hinayaan niya akong bitawan na lang yung kamay niyang mahigpit kong hawak. Kahit kailan hindi sapat lang yung salitang pagmamahal sa isang relasyon, kung kahit saan aspeto eh hindi naman talaga kayo nagkakasundo, at hindi niyo magawang maging mabuti sa isat-isa. Kung mahal lang naman ung pagbabasehan, eh talaga naman mahal ko yang lalaki na yan, kahit kailan hindi ako nahiya sa kanya na sabahin ko kahit paulit-ulit pa na mahal ko siya at sobrang mahal ko, pero hindi naman pwede puro ako na lang, hindi naman aandar ang see-saw kung palagi isa lang ung mag eefort na kumilos at magpaka-hirap. Minsan na lang ako magmahal pero palaging palpak at sa tuwing may bagong tao na gustong pasukin ung buhay ko sa kanila ko ibinubunton ung takot ko sa mga taong nagawa akong saktan at iwanan at babalikan na lang kung kailan nila naisin.
Sa totoo lang gusto kong magmahal ulit, makaramdam ng saya na sa tuwing maaalala ko eh halos magtatalon ako sa kilig, sa totoo lang namimiss ko na yung panahon masaya akong kasama ung taong mahal ko, kasama sa pagtulog, kayakap, naamoy ko ung hininga niya, naririnig ko ung tibok ng puso niya,yung mabangong mga damit niya, mga baduy na jokes, ung mga braso niya na ginagawa kong unan, ung mga food trip at late night phone call, namimiss ko na ung mom niya, namimiss ko na yung bahay nila, namimiss ko ng tumakas sa bahay pero pupunta lang sa bahay niya, namimiss ko ung paghatid niya sa akin after school o paghatid ko sa kanya sa sakayan pag galing siya sa bahay. Namimiss ko ng tumawa ng malakas, namimiss ko na ung mga surprises niya. namimiss ko ng umiyak ng parang bata pag tuwing pinag-aalala niya ako.
Sana minsan may isang taong kayang higitan ung mga bagay na naramdaman ko sa taong minsan naging sentro ng buhay ko. Sana higpitan niya yung kapit kahit anong gawin kong pagtaboy sa kanya.Sana bago mahuli ang lahat, bago ako magsisi, marealize ko na siya na pala ung matagal ko ng inaantay.
Lately I’ve been dreaming such weird dreams. I don’t have any idea kung bakit ko sila napapanaginipan , I don’t even thinking about those people but out of the blue they appear in my dreams like :
- I have baby bumps daw, Super weird and scary !!!
- I make siesta this afternoon, and I dreamt na may bagong baby dito sa bahay and I refuse to hold the baby and I’m asking kung kanino, sa mom ko daw and super nagtataka ako coz mom is too old na to carry a baby.weeird!
- then last week, I dreamt about me and toyoo. having a date daw, super sweet, holding hands while walking and exchanging sweet words like, i miss you and kung ano ano. Weiiird!! coz ang tagal tagal na namin hindi nag uusap and nagkikita and if mag usap man tuwing pag may favor lang na hihingin.
- Past two weeks, I dreamt about me and bff and with her ex gf. having a picnic daw. and super sweet kami sa isa’t Isa and we’re hugging, kissing infront of her ex and super umiiwas ako kasi sobrang nahihiya ako sa ex gf niya. Pero we’re both super happy daw and nakatingin lang sa amin ung ex niya.weeird!! Eh hindi na rin naman kami nag uusap ng dati kong Bff, and if ever man puro kamustahan lang tapos end of convo.
Real love is always chaotic. You lose control; you lose perspective. You lose the ability to protect yourself. The greater the love, the greater the chaos.
It’s funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken.
Maybe we were meant for someone else, for something else. It’s just so hard to move on from everything that was beautiful. It’s like waking up from a good dream, and realizing that reality is uglier than the worst nightmare you’ve ever had. It’s wanting so much to relive the moments that made you feel so alive, but knowing deep inside too, that you can’t; that it’s impossible now.
1. For family, whether “by blood” or the people you’ve met in your life, that always make you feel at home.
2. For parents and guardians who most of the time they did their best, and maybe if you got lucky, will always be some of the best people you know.
3. For mothers who were the first people to love you, who nurtured, who taught, who cheered, who supported; who carried the pains you couldn’t.
4. For fathers who love you like you like their prized possession, who disciplined, who protected; who gave everything they could for you to be everything you are.
5. For brothers who were your first friends, who teased and taunted but would never let anyone hurt a hair on your head.
6. For sisters who were some of your first friends, who you fought with and fight with, but will never let anyone hurt a hair on their head
7. For your significant other – that you can find someone to love, who doesn’t have to love you, but loves you anyway. And that you met them at the right time, in the right place, is nothing short of a miracle.
8. For your many significant others who are your true friends, who make life a lot easier to go through, and who love you more than you deserve.
9. For teachers who partook in your formation, who saw things in you that you didn’t, and who challenged you to do your best.
10. For pets and all animals we encounter who give us free and unconditional love. (Especially dogs of course.)
11. For good health if you have it, one of life’s greatest pleasures. For any good health at all.
12. For a body that allows you to function in any way.
13. For a brain that allows you to think about the world and its people in all the ways that you can.
14. For all the colors of the world that make life so much brighter than it would be otherwise.
15. For seasons, no matter how many we experience and don’t experience, their mere existence is proof that things are meant to change.
16. For the numerous cultures that we can learn about and even have the opportunity to visit all around the world.
17. For history, that we can learn about it in different ways and use that knowledge to make our present and future better.
18. For people who get up early in the morning to clean your streets and drive your busses and trains.
19. For baristas who make your hot and cold drinks to perfection.
20. For cashiers and baggers in grocery stores who stand on their feet for long hours each day, making lives easier.
I loved you. You left me. Now you’re saying that I didn’t think you were worth it? Isn’t that my line?
Sometimes family relationships can be the most difficult. There can be pain, hurt and offense; but when you pray, you are opening the door for God’s healing in your relationships!
My life is made up of ‘I’m sorry’. I feel like I have to apologize to people, to things, to life itself. It’s like, ‘I’m sorry to be here’. I don’t want to disturb anyone.
I miss how you wanted me.
I destroy myself so you can’t.
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